Working Woman's Pity Sigh

I get so annoyed at the double standard women have created for themselves. I consider myself a feminist. I believe in the ideas behind the feminist movement though not necessarily the methods and augmented variations. I believe women should be able to choose their destinies and desires and should be held in the same regarded as their male counterparts, professionally, economically, spiritually, etc.

However, I hate to hear so called "feminists" say to other women "Oh you're just a stay at home mom? Didn't you want to do anything with your life?" Why is it that we can work so hard for the right to choose the lives we want to live then turn around and look down on fellow women for the lives they've chosen?

I choose to one day be a wife and mother. I choose that, and I'm not some "poor little thing who doesn't know any better", or a fundamentalist bible thumper. It's not that I haven't gained an education, or that I have no ambition, or that I'm lazy and want some man to take care of me. I choose to be a wife and mother because that is what I love, that is where my goals and heart lie, and it is my right. Some women from a young age dream of being teachers, or psychologists, or scientists, I dreamt of being a homemaker. The best damned homemaker physically possible.
When I see my life I'm the foundation of my family. I care for my household and my loved ones, and I do it well. I just hate to hear people say that it is an unworthy or unnecessary duty. Why is it working women can not see the use, the drive, the beauty in a homemaker? I mean I celebrate and appreciate women who work in the corporate arena. They are great and powerful women worthy of praise, and so are homemakers.

I certainly do not hold that all homemakers are great and hard working women. There are those who are lazy sitting around in their sweats watch their "stories" but you find that same kind of lazy individual in many work settings. Ms. "never finishes her projects on time", and Mr. "pass the buck" can be found anywhere; in the corporate elite, the suburban masses, the poverty choked homeless.

When I see my home it is a beautiful place of rest and love. A haven from the world. My children come home to a spotless house, my husband comes home to dinner waiting. I keep my "home management binder" absolutely stuffed so that my home stays immaculate and running like clockwork. I work no less than any 9-5 cubical drone. Most of the time more since there's no "quitting time". And yet I get the pity sigh when I say what I want to do with my life. Why is there pity for those wanting to raise and maintain healthy happy families?

Aside from just loving the life, I have real reasons for wanting to live this way. For starters I don't want a traditional career, I do want a large family. The twenties and early thirties for most women, are used to establish careers, and since I'm trying to establish a home this would be the time for me to start. It only seems young to those who must wait until their careers are already established. The average age of first conception is constantly on the rise. However, ones chances for developing pregnancy complications begins to dramatically increase after 35. Many older women have uneventful pregnancies but I don't want to risk it if I don't have to. Besides I'm not really interested in beginning my motherhood in my 40's. The chances for developing breast cancer dramatically increase if you have you first child after 30, so if there's anything I can do to lessen the potential risk I will. Women are more fertile in their youth. And of course have more energy for baby chasing and what not in the younger age ranges.

I'm just amazed at the mentality that says "because I process paperwork or merge companies for a living, my life choices are inherantly better than yours, so much so that I pity your lack of judgement for surely you regret your life." I'm a woman who knows what she wants and will work hard to get it and won't let anything stand in her way including stupid smug people with superiority complexes.

The Future Is Always Uncertain

I am lost. I am a queen without her king, a “tih” woman without her “hoh” (I have been for a long time actually, if I’m honest). I want to be everything I can for my partner, if he likes certain foods I learn to cook them, if he likes belly dancing I learn to dance, if he likes certain play I will accommodate. For a worthy man I would be everything he needed in a mate (of course he’d do the same). But finding that worthy man seems quite impossible. There’s a plethora of boys who at every chance speak on their “merits” but no men who know no words are necessary. No alpha male for me to love. I’ve said in previous blogs I thought the alpha male was extinct and I find myself almost completely convinced. At least before I had the excuse of being in a relationship.

Perhaps all the alphas were on the singles/dating scene where I’d never run across them, but no. They’re not in the mall, in the office, in the club, in the church, in the school, etc.

I think I am hoping for the unreal, or the kind of relationship I'm looking for is no longer in existence. I'm a woman living, doing, acting just for me. I have no problem with that for now, but my fear is: when does the situation change? It is not a life I would choose for any substantial amount of time. I am a giver. That is my nature. But I just can’t lower myself to kneel (metaphorically) to undeserving men. I don’t want to come across as conceited. You may think “who are you that your submission is so great”. But it is the most important thing I have to give, because it is all of me, my time, my energy, my thought, my heart, my body, everything, and yes I consider myself important (to me at least).

You do not give a priceless glass figure to a baby. They are unworthy of it in that they will not appreciate it’s beauty and fragility, and in their ignorance will most certainly destroy it. Not because they were a bad baby, but because they were not equipped to handle the gift given. In that same way men not matured enough to handle the gift/responsibilities of my submission, do not get to play with it. The idea may be shiny and exciting, something they want to touch and shake but I don’t wish to shatter as a child’s plaything. There are few men who care for such a gift. Most would rather pass on it, and of those who claim to want it few know how to receive, handle, and sustain it. And of those I come into contact with zero.

I sometimes think if I were a jet setter, traveling here and there all over the world I’d surely find that man. Or perhaps there’s some secret society of alpha males just outside of my site. But I know I should prepare for the fact that I may never find the right guy. There is no guarantee that I’ll find a mate. It’s not written in stone anywhere that “Cat is destined to find a good man to share a tih relationship with”. I could just remain “Cat by herself who is happy living alone”, or “Cat who is in a great relationship of equality with a good man”, or “Cat who became a lesbian and is happy with her new sexual identity”. I don’t know, I’m young and this may all be moot tomorrow. Until something gives I’ll just be Cat queen unto herself, kings be damned.

Starting A New Chapter: Dating

I recently discovered (in July) my fiancé had been cheating on me. This was extremely hurtful since we had been together for almost four years, he proposed, he was my first (and only), and of course I love him. I was angry with him for betraying me given our past histories (long and sordid), and the fact that he chose to involve himself with a lesser woman. I know that must sound like bitterness on my part, but it's really just observation. A woman who at her best has her children removed from her care by the state is no woman to me. I realize that is just my opinion but it is strong. Motherhood is one of the greatest gifts a woman has and to neglect or abuse her own flesh is as distasteful a thing as one can do. In my opinion.

But all that aside, after learning all this, I forgave him. Understanding that forgiveness is not reconciliation, or acceptance, or pardoning. I forgave him because forgiveness is something you do for yourself. I didn't like feeling angry and vengeful, that's not me. I chose to love freely despite what another may do to me. Mind you loving someone is a one person task. I can love you unto my death whether you care or not, but a loving relationship takes two. So I told him I forgave him, there's no ill will, he made a mistake like we all do. I will always love who he is, but what he did was unacceptable and we needed to go our separate ways.

Of course he was unhappy and I’m sorry he created a situation that brought about the end of our relationship, but there is nothing I can do about that. The past is the past. I did learn some very valuable lessons from the whole ordeal thought, that I am grateful for. I’m glad I have been able to move on so reasonably. I know some who do not take things of this nature quite so well.
September 28 2006

On My Way To Cinnabon, Can't Stop Now

I need to speak to some of the men today about their courtship techniques. Earlier this week I had a discouraging experience. While shopping at a mall I heard a "hey" from across the corridor. I turned and saw a group of young men one of whom was the one who called out. Taking note of him I turned back around to continue walking and heard another "hey, come here" I stopped once again to look at the guy with a puzzled stare and then kept walking. Of course (almost out of earshot) I hear his thoughts about my reaction, which were not very pleasant. I thought about this interaction as I've had many similar to this one, and asked some of my friends who had also had similar encounters, and I came up with this list of thing guys do wrong in approaching women.

First of all who do you think you are to flag a woman down? We are not cabs or dogs to be called upon when you desire our presence. If you wish to interact with a woman walk over and start a conversation like a regular person in civil society. It's just rude. You wish to speak to me, so why should I stop at your shout, turn and walk over to you and say "yes you called". This behavior means you must believe you are offering me something I should be willing to work for. You must be such a catch that all you need do is shout in my direction and I should feel honored enough to stop what I'm doing and pursue your call.

Second when starting a conversation with a young lady especially one you wish to "court" or pursue, do not start the conversation with "hey, come here" or "ay shorty what yo name is" or "hey baby let me holla at you for a second" or "yo cutie" etc. Try introducing yourself. Perhaps a hello would be nice. Why is it ok for you to address me so informally? No not informally, with such disrespect? We are not lovers, friends, or even acquaintances and yet you feel free to address me as easily as you would a prostitute. So from these actions it would seem you believe you're so enticing so formidable that I should not only be willing to pursue you on your terms but I should be willing to ignore or be flattered by your disrespectful tone.

Third if you are trying to gain the company of a young woman put your best foot forward. You are trying to attract her. What do you have to offer: a smile, a charming word, a sincere interest, etc. Slouching against a wall, grabbing at your crotch, while shouting for her attention in a group of guys is not the most impressive sight. No one's asking to see your credentials (they matter little in the realm of attraction) but answering the "why should I even stop to listen to this man" question running through her mind is a good idea. You must believe I should pursue you on your own terms, be flattered by your disrespect, and be impressed by your total lack of appealing qualities because you are so great and potent a man.

Fourth if a woman does not respond well to your "advances" do not get rude or aggressive. Sometimes women do not respond because they are not attracted, sometimes because they're rude, but sometimes it's because you started the encounter on a negative tone. Your last redeeming quality of handling her indifference like a gentleman you throw out the window. When I keep moving despite your “effort” it’s because I'm uppity, or a b****, not because you’ve been offensive by acting like a total cad.

Were I to hang out in a group of women at the mall rub my butt and shout from across the way "hey you, hot stuff come here to me I wanna talk to you for a minute" you would keep moving. And if I were to then say to my trolling companions "what a f***ing dick" you'd be baffled. And yet everyday I see and hear guys do that very same thing.

The Decline Of Good Sex

I wonder about people and sex and how truly poor most people are at it. To me sex is like any activity, if you want to be good at it, it takes work, study, time, some level of devotion. The statistics about sex are sad. Most women don't have orgasms during sex, and many have never had orgasms period. What does that say? There's this mentality that as long as something's pumping and someone is winded, it's all good. No! And sex within a well defined relationship is bad enough, but people would have one night stands. I understand the thrill of anonymity and the rush of the hunt, and I understand not everyone is in or wants to be in a relationship, but I think it's necessary for great sex. What kind of relationship depends on the parties involved, but hoping you've stumbled upon the person that will expand your mind to the sexual universe while dancing to young joc in the club is not very realistic.

I think of it like a birthday party. If you met a stranger and threw them a surprise birthday party you'd do ok. You'd do all the things most parties do. You'd get a cake, some decorations, some gifts, invite some people, just the generals. Like sex with a stranger most people know the general areas to touch, commonly accepted positions and phrases, etc. But if you were to throw a surprise party for someone you really knew you would know their favorite kind of cake, you'd get them presents they actually want instead of generic female bath set. You'd invite their friends maybe some they haven't seen in years. You'd know they're a huge Pistons fan and decorate in all Pistons colors etc. It would be a party they'd remember. You can't rely on it being a good party just because it was a surprise just like you can't expect good sex simply because the meeting or anonymity is thrilling.

Part of what makes sex great is knowing what pleasures your partner, your partner knowing what pleasures you, and releasing inhibitions. You just can't have that with a stranger. Sure they'll rub you, kiss you, eventually penetrate, but that's just the fundamentals. And you'll never feel completely free to relinquish restrictions because that's human nature and a defense mechanism. Perhaps you know your partner hates receiving oral sex but goes crazy when you trace their lower back. Maybe you really like hot/cold play but would you tell the guy you picked up at the bar "I'm sorry could you find a candle or eat this cinnamon candy while I find some ice" Some pleasures must be ignored in order to stay within the acceptable societal norm of sex with a stranger. And I don't just mean fetishes of rare perversions, I mean regular things people find arousing but couldn't request of a stranger. Over time your partner knows what you like to feel, how you like to be touched, what phrases drive you crazy, what your innermost sexual desires are and a partner who explores and fulfills that makes for great sex.

People send more time playing video games than working on sexual technique. They'll call around, and look online for cheat codes but don't even bother really learning erogenous zones. Everyone knows the blow/lick in the ear trick and are content to stop there. They don't care about differentiating the three female orgasms, or understanding male non ejaculatory orgasms, or locating the "m spot" in fact most can't even find the "g spot" and that's common knowledge. Most people are just painfully ignorant. Sex ed classes just did not teach people everything they needed to know in order to have amazing sex (that's not what they're for) but people don't do any learning or study after that one semester course in high school.

I feel passionately about it because sex for me is an essential spiritual component. Which by the way, most Americans don't even bother understanding the spirituality of sex, it's just physical fun. Never mind eastern knowledge and study. Kama sutra, tantric sex, and great rites are only just beginning to be whispered about in the US. It's like on the path to sexual revolution people forgot to ensure sexual quality and reverence. It's just have as much mediocre sex with as many people as you want and hooray for you.

I just have to laugh when I hear people say "yeah she was squeelin" or "you know I put it on him". I think, what are your credentials? I mean great sex doesn't require cloistering. You don't have to dedicate your existence to the art of sex but you don't know anything. Why should I believe the sexual merits of some guy from the east side who's never read or learned anything of the world sexual movements just because he says he can "do me good". He points to satisfied customers like that means something.

I just don't get it. If you wanted to be a great writer, or basketball player, or cook you'd read, learn, expand your knowledge base, and yet with sex, you fumble and grope your way through recess and you senior year of college and all of a sudden you're a sex god/dess. What?

Martini, Fuzzy Navel, Or Spiritual Enlightenment

I look at people walking down the street, in the malls, sipping their coffees and I wonder how many of them really understand the nature of spirit their spirit. Now I'm no great spiritual mind but I take the time to contemplate. Most people don't even think about it. They just drift along existing never really getting any closer to deity or their own spiritual truths. The most fundamental building blocks they ignore. They don't take any time to explore who they are as spiritual beings and spend half their lives denying their true nature.

It's like the most important or natural parts of being human are meaningless. People would spend 7 years in school, 40 hours a week, countless amounts of money, and thought to ensure they can acquire dollars, but those same people will call themselves "religiously devoted" by attending some 2 hour service once a week.

I have never been a great promoter of organized religion. I believe that most people develop a close relationship with deity when directly communing, interacting, and praying. Sitting as a spectator to the praise of another brings you no closer to spiritual growth. Of course there are exceptions in children, and for some that is the best path, but in general I believe sitting, listening to someone else’s interpretation and ideas about spirit and God constructs is not the best way to cultivate a spiritual path.

I say this because I have been taking a spiritual journey. I've devoted myself to learning and experiencing spiritual growth. I ask others about their experiences and they have nothing to say. Most don't even know what I mean. I say "have you studied any other religions, do you know any of the basic tenets of what the rest of the world may or may not believe, have you investigated the origins and founding of what you believe, do you actively seek communication through prayer or meditation or movement etc, have you felt a shift in thought or your life with the intervention of spiritual knowledge"? They just stare.

I don't mean everyone should be a cloistered monk, I certainly am not, it's just that people devote less energy to their spiritual selves than they do on choosing and purchasing beverages. It's just such a huge piece of people I don't really understand why it's so easy to dismiss.
In other cultures spiritual talk, learning, and understanding is a part of everyday life. Here I say anything about divinity and people roll their eyes. And I know it's not because no one cares, people believe in an afterlife, most people believe one's spirit can affect emotions, and health. People see the benefit in people who have taken the time to understand and yet...

I used to think perhaps I'm the factor that closes their mouths. Maybe I seem like I'll try to cram my religion down their throat but I just listen in fact most people don't even know what my religious beliefs are because if I ask a question it's about spirit not religion. Spirit transcends the religious barriers men create. I just wonder about it.

Hypothetical Dear John

This is really just therapy for me it feels good getting things out on paper (computer). I want to write some things so I can formulate what I'm feeling. Things I think about saying. Who knows maybe someone shares my sentiments. Here goes:

I am a passionate woman. One who must be loved and stroked and cared for. In return I am whatever you want me to be. All I want is your mastery of me. Subdue me, tame me to your will. I wanted you to claim me as your own. But there is nothing. I can not live without being loved. I am too intense, too vulnerable, too sensual to be neglected.

I am hurt. I ask only all of you in return for all of me. Instead I get the very worst of you. The dregs of your affection. I hate the distance. Cultivating a close relationship takes closeness not only in feelings but proximity. How can I fully know and love you through the phone. The Nextel chirp. Even with the phone you don't have time for me. I get a "goodnight" or a silly blurb about your car and that's it. You give the world your undivided attention and play my voice and needs in the background. Ambient relationship muzac. Literal crack-heads get more of your time and attention. I am not one to complain or cry, I simply let go. I always said "you make your choice, I will not fight to hold on to something that shouldn't be leaving". If you are not willing to do and try for me, I am no longer willing to do and try for you. You say you love me (as so many men have said to so many women), you say I'm your wife to be, you say you would die for me. But you won't even live for me. Love takes only one. I can love you until the end of days whether you love me or not. A relationship takes two. I cannot give everything I have and receive nothing from you. I am emotionally destitute. You drain me by inaction, and indifference.

Where is your protection? Where is your devotion? Where are you? Since we met I have risked everything I am for us. I've suffered mentally, physically, socially, emotionally, and to what avail? I need someone to give to. Someone worthy of what I'm offering. You take my submission, my yielding to you as a given. It is a gift. I have been what you wanted, what you needed, and what you never knew. But I can not remain active in the life of one who is dead in mine. I don't mean to play the martyr. You have given of yourself. But that has stopped for some time now. When do you look at me with lust? When do you shield me for what you know to be harmful? When are you there to comfort and support me? Am I not precious enough for you to cherish me, care for me? If I am not please tell me. I have a right to move on.

We go round on this carousel, up and down circling the same block never getting anywhere. Why am I the only one grabbing for the brass ring? I will be the one to stop the ride and let you off. What bothers me is that you would keep silent. Why not say to me "I am unhappy" or "I want to pursue something else"? Don't you think I love you enough to let you go? Instead you draw this out to no end. You pain us both: me by not knowing and still trying, you by knowing and not acting.

What is the most hurtful to me is that I now doubt. I never doubted you. I moved out of state never doubting, I gave my virginity never doubting, I said "yes I'll marry you" never doubting, I bore the wrath of my family never doubting, I faced life threatening danger never doubting, I carried us never doubting. Now when I see you I think "he is unfaithful". I used to say that "a good woman does not ask her mate if he cheats, but presumes he does". But I said that out of youth and ignorance. I realize now I presumed you didn't ,and living with that presumption is not at all good. It's like a cancer slowly spreading and killing everything. And I want a relationship that's cancer free so...
I think it's in both our best interests if we break up.

Stop Complaining Average Woman

I have to rant for a minute here. I was talking with a group of people recently about women in media giving the rest of the country's female population poor self- image. Now I get the feeling I'm on the opposite side of most of this country's views on the subject but I have no problem seeing skinny women who look like what's considered beautiful in my magazines and billboards and t.v. etc.

People always want to say it's not a realistic image. What?! Of course it's realistic. People who are willing to work at it achieve it. It's not achieved by most women, but it's not important to the lives of most women. Similar to doctorate degrees. Some women will say "it's impossible to get a doctorate, the only women who get doctorates are women who do nothing but study, have no family demands, and have been privileged enough to be able to afford it." It's true that some less educated working mothers would find it hard to achieve, and some with certain learning disabilities may find it down right impossible but does that mean it's not achievable and therefore should not be seen or celebrated or that it's rare and takes a lot of work? Most women don't need model bodies, they're nurses and teachers and it's not important, similarly most women do not need doctorates they’re middle management and retail workers. So do we call for the end of doctorate holding women portrayed in the media? No.

Models look the way they do because they market their bodies. That is their livelihood. A model must be able to say I can make those clothes attractive to customers, I can attract purchases by showcasing how great the product can look. I'm an attractive canvass your product is the paint. You don't put beautiful intricate brushstrokes and devote your life and career to a masterpiece to put it on an unattractive canvas, Who buys paintings with holes, or tears, or rough edges etc.? Similarly who buys a bathing suit displayed on an unattractive model. It’s not necessarily fair but really, you can’t see yourself wearing the product because of the frame it was hung on, and if you can’t see yourself in it, you won’t buy it.

But some say that what is considered attractive today is not. And I say that it may not be attractive to you but it may be to most people. Are you even the demographic the advertiser is trying to reach? Most people like to look at the slender, tanned, full breasted models permeating the media, I know this because I can see the direct data. Products boasting “attractive” spokes persons sell. If a consumer driven market does not like the advertising they won't buy the product, thus the advertisers must change the outside image or lose profits.

The easiest way to see the outcome is to look at the face of advertising through US history. We've seen pleasantly plump ladies with extremely pale skin since early on a robust figure and little sun exposure was a sign of wealth and beauty. One who lived "with the beautiful people" had slaves or servants to work outside and cooks to feed them generously. We've seen the smiling slim waisted homemaker, who epitomized what was considered femininity. We've seen the bucksome pin ups and voluptuous starlets promoting anything to everything. Marilyn Monroe (the height of sexy beauty) was a size 14. We today see the slender, tanned international model, since emphasis on thinness with fitness as well as outdoor activities and globe trotting are considered desirable. They are, signs of wealth and happiness (however true you believe that to be). As the country’s tastes in beauty shift so do the models who help advertise. I just hate that everyone is so angry at the models. If there were reason for anger which I don't think there is it should be directed at the marketing machine who you believe isn't listening to your dollars (which just wouldn't happen).

People say “well most women don't look like that so it doesn't represent everyone”. It's not supposed to. The modeling industry's purpose is not to accurately display the current shapes of the American body. It's to sell the current American body a product, clothes, shoes, makeup, houses, etc. I do not complain that the NBA is wrong for not having players who are bad at basketball. I am poor at basketball and so is most of America but you would never say to the sports industry that they do not accurately display US sports abilities. They are not there for that, They are there to sell game tickets no one buys a ticket for a team who can't play.

Besides it being the consumer/industry not necessarily the models idea of beauty, and modeling not being a US mirror but a sales component, the women who model work very hard at it, and deserve respect for that. It's different when your work/profession has nothing to do with your personal body. A surgeon can go home relax and do whatever they want, eat whatever they want, a model goes home and has to workout, every time they eat breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks they know their career and livelihood is what they are putting in their mouths. Like trainers, no one says "for shame" to personal trainers for being what's considered by most Americans to be "fit". People admire the work and dedication it takes.

My last point is this, if seeing images of women who are different than most causes serious self crisis there is something fundamentally wrong in the viewer. If you are a complete, fully actualized person, knowing that your face and body may not be what sells clothes and creams in the current US market should not be a self destructive voice. Those who love who and what they are, don't look at a picture of a woman considered beautiful and doubt their own beauty. Women come in all shapes, colors, sizes, etc. Seeing the media coverage of one body type does not negate the others. If that were so, I as a 6' tall, natural hair textured, black woman I would just be devastated. Where are the women who look like me? I know my image wouldn't sell products to general America, I'm not white or slender nosed, I don't have European hair, or a small shoe size, but I know my beauty and no picture changes that. Especially one I know is trying to sell me something :) Basically ads shouldn't be changing your world-view or self-image and if they do, you should work on you and perhaps only look at Sears, or J.C. Penney, etc. catalogs. They usually have advertising that reflects who really shops there, and the general American public.

Taken In Hand And The Alpha Male

The “taken in hand” relationship model is not a widely popular choice, but it is my choice. I certainly do not claim that it is the best type of relationship or that it’s what everyone should do. As with other relationships it depends solely on the people involved. It is a complex system that is not easily defined. However, since it often needs clarifying, I use this explanatory blurb:

“It is consciously and consensually male controlled sexually exclusive monogamous relationship in which the man’s power is real and for the purpose of cultivating a deeply connected, fully engaged relationship. How the man expresses his dominance is an individual matter but it’s for the benefit of the relationship rather than being purely self-serving. The man protects and cherishes the woman he leads. The woman responds positively to her man’s control.”
The roles I am talking about are a dominant male (he-wolf or alpha male) and submissive female, but of course the roles can be reversed with a dominant female (she-bear or alpha female) and submissive male.

I prefer a “tih” for a number of reasons, the first of which is that it creates a male female dynamic I identify with. It is a simple conflict resolution structure, and enhances the sexual dynamics within the relationship.

The alpha male is the type of man who is a fierce rival, a consistent provider, a gentle father, an attentive lover, etc. The alpha male controls his environment the best he can, and cares for what and whom he perceives to be his responsibility. When the alpha male is at his angriest he doesn't shout or raise his voice, his voice actually becomes quieter, a very deadly whisper. There's no need for him to shout in anger because his intent gets across in his demeanor. He's very intimidating when he wants to be with just a look or word. Yet he's playful and gentle with those he considers his.

The alpha male is elusive and in my opinion an endangered species. "Why" you ask? Well in the US we have made leaps and bounds to promote the ascension of women and women’s rights. However, while implementing this essential movement we began an unconscious anti male movement. Instead of saying "if I choose to order my meal and pay for it myself, that should be acceptable to men and society as a whole" we said "it is not ok for men to order for us and pay for things since they are not our masters and we can do it ourselves". Instead of saying "if I want to pursue a career that should be a welcome and supported effort" we say "I will earn my due and suggesting otherwise is a sexist attitude." An alpha male would hate to see his woman reach into her wallet if he has the means to provide her with what she wishes to buy. Of course in the current social climate his desire to care for his woman is seen as possessive, unenlightened, and most undesirable. The alpha male must go into hiding or put on a mask so as not to incur the wrath of society in general.

I say all this because "tih" relationships tend to attract alpha males. Being able to flex their masculinity freely and with a partner willing to yield is attractive. The dance of dominance and submission will always attract an alpha male.

A "tih" is a simple conflict resolution structure. Since there is a dominant partner the final decisions fall to them. They have an ultimate yea or nay power. A veto vote. Of course this element is what is undesirable to most. People don't like the idea that someone has ultimate say in their life. But what must be understood it that the dominant partner must act in the best interest of the relationship. Similar to the president, he can veto a law but if the people he governs disagree enough with how he's leading he won't be reelected or worse can be impeached. It's the same with "tih", if the dominant partner acts selfishly or consistently ignores the needs of the submissive partner that is the end of that relationship. The other safe guard is held by the submissive partner. A willingly submissive partner does not submit to anyone. You do not blindly relinquish certain power to someone you don't know, or someone you know will abuse that power. Just like you wouldn't give your power of attorney to a stranger or cousin Jim the gambler. Yielding of will is a gift that should not be given or received lightly.

Many "tih" couples say their fights are almost nonexistent. They are easily ended by the dominant partner. One couple I know used to argue about how to spend Saturday evenings. There was always something one wanted to do the other didn't and they'd fight and up with her mad and him gone and no one had a good time, and they'd be in a fight till mid week. When they became a "tih" couple the ultimate say came down to him. Sometimes they'd do what he wanted, sometimes they'd do what she wanted and sometimes they'd do something neither had planned. She'd of course sometimes be upset at not getting to do what she wanted but he was fair and she would eventually have fun. There wasn't that feeling of "I have to fight to get what I want or be right". He'd give her what she needed and what he needed and it was simple.

There is also a sexual element to "tih". There is something arousing to a submissive female about the unshackled male. There's an oddly exciting element to non sexual dominance. Sometimes it does enter the bedroom but more often than not "tih" people are not into S&M D/s play. In fact many S&M enthusiasts find the "tih" concept scary. Giving ultimate power to someone outside the bedroom is rattling. With S&M you can turn it off. Put in on and remove it like a coat at the door. You can be totally vulnerable in the boudoir but put up your shields everywhere else. "Tih" leaves you vulnerable.

"Tih" relationships tend to have a more active sex life since the pace is set by the man and men tend to think of and engage in sex more often than women. Submissive partners do have to adjust to the frequency of sex, as well the spontaneity of it. I know many "tih" women who say their husbands want sex at the strangest times: after repairing something, whenever she's cooking, if she wears skirts, after playing basketball, etc. But most of the women say that their sex drive has increased to match their mates. There is something arousing about him wanting you and yielding to him. For some the dominance itself is a turn on when he is intimidating you're reminded of his manhood: if when he kisses he pins you to a wall, or carries you off to the bedroom, or kisses you in the middle of a disagreement.

In male dominated "tih" more often than not the submissive female is someone who is dominant in her career or life outside the relationship. It's an interesting set of concepts. The wanting to release the reigns to a competent partner. Similar to dominant female wolves who only expose their throats to their male partners. She may be absolutely dominant in the corporate arena and extremely content to be dominated by her mate.

"Tih" isn't for everyone. Most relationships today are of consensual equality and few choose the imbalance of "tih" but for those who have the desire to freely yield to or freely dominate a worthy mate it might be for you. It is ultimate giving on both parts. From the submissive perspective: "if you will provide for my every need, I will give you my entirety". From the dominant perspective: "if you let me rule you, I will be a slave to your needs".

Illegal Polygamy Is Rubbish

I've been thinking a lot lately about poly relationships and why exactly they are illegal. I mean it seems to me that the only reason polygamous marriages would be wrong is that certain religious groups disagree. But why does that matter? Isn't the US government supposed to be secular? Why if I being a consenting informed adult wanted to, could I not share my home with two other consenting adults? I mean really? I am not saying everyone should do this or even that I would I just mean intellectually why not? Why do we condemn and imprison those who would choose that for themselves? Why is that anyone's business but theirs especially the government?

Of course some will say some poly relationships in the past have been abusive and controlling and that's why they're dangerous but it seems to me so are many nuclear relationships. Didn't we just get out of an era where beating your wife was accepted at best and your business at worst. Abuse and control in any relationship is bad, but you can find abusive relationships with any number of people.

Of course we are talking about a relationship in which both parties are consenting and informed. Bigamy is not included obviously. Secret wives or husbands, is not acceptable simply due to the deceit factor and of course forcing a spouse into sharing when they are not agreeable to it is wrong. But if I know you have a wife, who also knows of me and we all agree that becoming a working loving unit is desirable for all of us why not?

I mean if we're going to start just enforcing religious rules on people why not make it illegal to eat pork, or not observe the daily prayers, or make it illegal to work on Sundays. I mean that's a Christian commandment isn't it? We should definitely take that into account that's worse than having a second wife. Everyone wants to pick and choose what religious rules get to be secular rules without any rationale. I mean why isn't adultery illegal? That's prevalent and harmful to society. I mean you might be able to make a social case for making adultery illegal.

I just don't get it, every poly family I've ever known has been some of the best working units of family I've seen. They are essentially their own kind of cooperative. There's always child care available. The parents are less stressed since when they need that break there's someone to pick up their load. There's often more financial stability when multiple partners work. They are less likely to cheat on one another since there's built in variety. It's just all around easier with six hands in one household than four. There is always a caring trusted adult to help in raising the children.

I can remember some time ago my family took in a friend from our church. She was a young woman who had a child and she stayed with us for a few months til she got back on her feet. It was not nearly that kind of unit but just the extra eyes and hands made everything run smoothly. Her child was always looked after even when she needed some alone time, the cleaning always got done by someone, all in all everything was easier. I just think about that in the context of a loving partnership.

I sometimes hear divorced parent say to their children when they get remarried that it's not the loss of mommy and daddy it's that they gain another mommy or daddy. You have three parents to love and care for you. That's wonderful, especially if it's an in home working loving unit.

Now I've said all this and one might think I'm in a poly relationship but I'm not. I'm not even sure that is something I would ever want for myself, I just don't see why we punish those who seek that. I mean it's illegal for goodness sake, that's ridiculous, they didn't kill anyone or steal anything. They just devoted themselves to two people. ~o.w. yahoo 360 2006