This is really just therapy for me it feels good getting things out on paper (computer). I want to write some things so I can formulate what I'm feeling. Things I think about saying. Who knows maybe someone shares my sentiments. Here goes:
I am a passionate woman. One who must be loved and stroked and cared for. In return I am whatever you want me to be. All I want is your mastery of me. Subdue me, tame me to your will. I wanted you to claim me as your own. But there is nothing. I can not live without being loved. I am too intense, too vulnerable, too sensual to be neglected.
I am hurt. I ask only all of you in return for all of me. Instead I get the very worst of you. The dregs of your affection. I hate the distance. Cultivating a close relationship takes closeness not only in feelings but proximity. How can I fully know and love you through the phone. The Nextel chirp. Even with the phone you don't have time for me. I get a "goodnight" or a silly blurb about your car and that's it. You give the world your undivided attention and play my voice and needs in the background. Ambient relationship muzac. Literal crack-heads get more of your time and attention. I am not one to complain or cry, I simply let go. I always said "you make your choice, I will not fight to hold on to something that shouldn't be leaving". If you are not willing to do and try for me, I am no longer willing to do and try for you. You say you love me (as so many men have said to so many women), you say I'm your wife to be, you say you would die for me. But you won't even live for me. Love takes only one. I can love you until the end of days whether you love me or not. A relationship takes two. I cannot give everything I have and receive nothing from you. I am emotionally destitute. You drain me by inaction, and indifference.
Where is your protection? Where is your devotion? Where are you? Since we met I have risked everything I am for us. I've suffered mentally, physically, socially, emotionally, and to what avail? I need someone to give to. Someone worthy of what I'm offering. You take my submission, my yielding to you as a given. It is a gift. I have been what you wanted, what you needed, and what you never knew. But I can not remain active in the life of one who is dead in mine. I don't mean to play the martyr. You have given of yourself. But that has stopped for some time now. When do you look at me with lust? When do you shield me for what you know to be harmful? When are you there to comfort and support me? Am I not precious enough for you to cherish me, care for me? If I am not please tell me. I have a right to move on.
We go round on this carousel, up and down circling the same block never getting anywhere. Why am I the only one grabbing for the brass ring? I will be the one to stop the ride and let you off. What bothers me is that you would keep silent. Why not say to me "I am unhappy" or "I want to pursue something else"? Don't you think I love you enough to let you go? Instead you draw this out to no end. You pain us both: me by not knowing and still trying, you by knowing and not acting.
What is the most hurtful to me is that I now doubt. I never doubted you. I moved out of state never doubting, I gave my virginity never doubting, I said "yes I'll marry you" never doubting, I bore the wrath of my family never doubting, I faced life threatening danger never doubting, I carried us never doubting. Now when I see you I think "he is unfaithful". I used to say that "a good woman does not ask her mate if he cheats, but presumes he does". But I said that out of youth and ignorance. I realize now I presumed you didn't ,and living with that presumption is not at all good. It's like a cancer slowly spreading and killing everything. And I want a relationship that's cancer free so...
I think it's in both our best interests if we break up.
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