The Decline Of Good Sex

I wonder about people and sex and how truly poor most people are at it. To me sex is like any activity, if you want to be good at it, it takes work, study, time, some level of devotion. The statistics about sex are sad. Most women don't have orgasms during sex, and many have never had orgasms period. What does that say? There's this mentality that as long as something's pumping and someone is winded, it's all good. No! And sex within a well defined relationship is bad enough, but people would have one night stands. I understand the thrill of anonymity and the rush of the hunt, and I understand not everyone is in or wants to be in a relationship, but I think it's necessary for great sex. What kind of relationship depends on the parties involved, but hoping you've stumbled upon the person that will expand your mind to the sexual universe while dancing to young joc in the club is not very realistic.

I think of it like a birthday party. If you met a stranger and threw them a surprise birthday party you'd do ok. You'd do all the things most parties do. You'd get a cake, some decorations, some gifts, invite some people, just the generals. Like sex with a stranger most people know the general areas to touch, commonly accepted positions and phrases, etc. But if you were to throw a surprise party for someone you really knew you would know their favorite kind of cake, you'd get them presents they actually want instead of generic female bath set. You'd invite their friends maybe some they haven't seen in years. You'd know they're a huge Pistons fan and decorate in all Pistons colors etc. It would be a party they'd remember. You can't rely on it being a good party just because it was a surprise just like you can't expect good sex simply because the meeting or anonymity is thrilling.

Part of what makes sex great is knowing what pleasures your partner, your partner knowing what pleasures you, and releasing inhibitions. You just can't have that with a stranger. Sure they'll rub you, kiss you, eventually penetrate, but that's just the fundamentals. And you'll never feel completely free to relinquish restrictions because that's human nature and a defense mechanism. Perhaps you know your partner hates receiving oral sex but goes crazy when you trace their lower back. Maybe you really like hot/cold play but would you tell the guy you picked up at the bar "I'm sorry could you find a candle or eat this cinnamon candy while I find some ice" Some pleasures must be ignored in order to stay within the acceptable societal norm of sex with a stranger. And I don't just mean fetishes of rare perversions, I mean regular things people find arousing but couldn't request of a stranger. Over time your partner knows what you like to feel, how you like to be touched, what phrases drive you crazy, what your innermost sexual desires are and a partner who explores and fulfills that makes for great sex.

People send more time playing video games than working on sexual technique. They'll call around, and look online for cheat codes but don't even bother really learning erogenous zones. Everyone knows the blow/lick in the ear trick and are content to stop there. They don't care about differentiating the three female orgasms, or understanding male non ejaculatory orgasms, or locating the "m spot" in fact most can't even find the "g spot" and that's common knowledge. Most people are just painfully ignorant. Sex ed classes just did not teach people everything they needed to know in order to have amazing sex (that's not what they're for) but people don't do any learning or study after that one semester course in high school.

I feel passionately about it because sex for me is an essential spiritual component. Which by the way, most Americans don't even bother understanding the spirituality of sex, it's just physical fun. Never mind eastern knowledge and study. Kama sutra, tantric sex, and great rites are only just beginning to be whispered about in the US. It's like on the path to sexual revolution people forgot to ensure sexual quality and reverence. It's just have as much mediocre sex with as many people as you want and hooray for you.

I just have to laugh when I hear people say "yeah she was squeelin" or "you know I put it on him". I think, what are your credentials? I mean great sex doesn't require cloistering. You don't have to dedicate your existence to the art of sex but you don't know anything. Why should I believe the sexual merits of some guy from the east side who's never read or learned anything of the world sexual movements just because he says he can "do me good". He points to satisfied customers like that means something.

I just don't get it. If you wanted to be a great writer, or basketball player, or cook you'd read, learn, expand your knowledge base, and yet with sex, you fumble and grope your way through recess and you senior year of college and all of a sudden you're a sex god/dess. What?

Martini, Fuzzy Navel, Or Spiritual Enlightenment

I look at people walking down the street, in the malls, sipping their coffees and I wonder how many of them really understand the nature of spirit their spirit. Now I'm no great spiritual mind but I take the time to contemplate. Most people don't even think about it. They just drift along existing never really getting any closer to deity or their own spiritual truths. The most fundamental building blocks they ignore. They don't take any time to explore who they are as spiritual beings and spend half their lives denying their true nature.

It's like the most important or natural parts of being human are meaningless. People would spend 7 years in school, 40 hours a week, countless amounts of money, and thought to ensure they can acquire dollars, but those same people will call themselves "religiously devoted" by attending some 2 hour service once a week.

I have never been a great promoter of organized religion. I believe that most people develop a close relationship with deity when directly communing, interacting, and praying. Sitting as a spectator to the praise of another brings you no closer to spiritual growth. Of course there are exceptions in children, and for some that is the best path, but in general I believe sitting, listening to someone else’s interpretation and ideas about spirit and God constructs is not the best way to cultivate a spiritual path.

I say this because I have been taking a spiritual journey. I've devoted myself to learning and experiencing spiritual growth. I ask others about their experiences and they have nothing to say. Most don't even know what I mean. I say "have you studied any other religions, do you know any of the basic tenets of what the rest of the world may or may not believe, have you investigated the origins and founding of what you believe, do you actively seek communication through prayer or meditation or movement etc, have you felt a shift in thought or your life with the intervention of spiritual knowledge"? They just stare.

I don't mean everyone should be a cloistered monk, I certainly am not, it's just that people devote less energy to their spiritual selves than they do on choosing and purchasing beverages. It's just such a huge piece of people I don't really understand why it's so easy to dismiss.
In other cultures spiritual talk, learning, and understanding is a part of everyday life. Here I say anything about divinity and people roll their eyes. And I know it's not because no one cares, people believe in an afterlife, most people believe one's spirit can affect emotions, and health. People see the benefit in people who have taken the time to understand and yet...

I used to think perhaps I'm the factor that closes their mouths. Maybe I seem like I'll try to cram my religion down their throat but I just listen in fact most people don't even know what my religious beliefs are because if I ask a question it's about spirit not religion. Spirit transcends the religious barriers men create. I just wonder about it.

Hypothetical Dear John

This is really just therapy for me it feels good getting things out on paper (computer). I want to write some things so I can formulate what I'm feeling. Things I think about saying. Who knows maybe someone shares my sentiments. Here goes:

I am a passionate woman. One who must be loved and stroked and cared for. In return I am whatever you want me to be. All I want is your mastery of me. Subdue me, tame me to your will. I wanted you to claim me as your own. But there is nothing. I can not live without being loved. I am too intense, too vulnerable, too sensual to be neglected.

I am hurt. I ask only all of you in return for all of me. Instead I get the very worst of you. The dregs of your affection. I hate the distance. Cultivating a close relationship takes closeness not only in feelings but proximity. How can I fully know and love you through the phone. The Nextel chirp. Even with the phone you don't have time for me. I get a "goodnight" or a silly blurb about your car and that's it. You give the world your undivided attention and play my voice and needs in the background. Ambient relationship muzac. Literal crack-heads get more of your time and attention. I am not one to complain or cry, I simply let go. I always said "you make your choice, I will not fight to hold on to something that shouldn't be leaving". If you are not willing to do and try for me, I am no longer willing to do and try for you. You say you love me (as so many men have said to so many women), you say I'm your wife to be, you say you would die for me. But you won't even live for me. Love takes only one. I can love you until the end of days whether you love me or not. A relationship takes two. I cannot give everything I have and receive nothing from you. I am emotionally destitute. You drain me by inaction, and indifference.

Where is your protection? Where is your devotion? Where are you? Since we met I have risked everything I am for us. I've suffered mentally, physically, socially, emotionally, and to what avail? I need someone to give to. Someone worthy of what I'm offering. You take my submission, my yielding to you as a given. It is a gift. I have been what you wanted, what you needed, and what you never knew. But I can not remain active in the life of one who is dead in mine. I don't mean to play the martyr. You have given of yourself. But that has stopped for some time now. When do you look at me with lust? When do you shield me for what you know to be harmful? When are you there to comfort and support me? Am I not precious enough for you to cherish me, care for me? If I am not please tell me. I have a right to move on.

We go round on this carousel, up and down circling the same block never getting anywhere. Why am I the only one grabbing for the brass ring? I will be the one to stop the ride and let you off. What bothers me is that you would keep silent. Why not say to me "I am unhappy" or "I want to pursue something else"? Don't you think I love you enough to let you go? Instead you draw this out to no end. You pain us both: me by not knowing and still trying, you by knowing and not acting.

What is the most hurtful to me is that I now doubt. I never doubted you. I moved out of state never doubting, I gave my virginity never doubting, I said "yes I'll marry you" never doubting, I bore the wrath of my family never doubting, I faced life threatening danger never doubting, I carried us never doubting. Now when I see you I think "he is unfaithful". I used to say that "a good woman does not ask her mate if he cheats, but presumes he does". But I said that out of youth and ignorance. I realize now I presumed you didn't ,and living with that presumption is not at all good. It's like a cancer slowly spreading and killing everything. And I want a relationship that's cancer free so...
I think it's in both our best interests if we break up.

Stop Complaining Average Woman

I have to rant for a minute here. I was talking with a group of people recently about women in media giving the rest of the country's female population poor self- image. Now I get the feeling I'm on the opposite side of most of this country's views on the subject but I have no problem seeing skinny women who look like what's considered beautiful in my magazines and billboards and t.v. etc.

People always want to say it's not a realistic image. What?! Of course it's realistic. People who are willing to work at it achieve it. It's not achieved by most women, but it's not important to the lives of most women. Similar to doctorate degrees. Some women will say "it's impossible to get a doctorate, the only women who get doctorates are women who do nothing but study, have no family demands, and have been privileged enough to be able to afford it." It's true that some less educated working mothers would find it hard to achieve, and some with certain learning disabilities may find it down right impossible but does that mean it's not achievable and therefore should not be seen or celebrated or that it's rare and takes a lot of work? Most women don't need model bodies, they're nurses and teachers and it's not important, similarly most women do not need doctorates they’re middle management and retail workers. So do we call for the end of doctorate holding women portrayed in the media? No.

Models look the way they do because they market their bodies. That is their livelihood. A model must be able to say I can make those clothes attractive to customers, I can attract purchases by showcasing how great the product can look. I'm an attractive canvass your product is the paint. You don't put beautiful intricate brushstrokes and devote your life and career to a masterpiece to put it on an unattractive canvas, Who buys paintings with holes, or tears, or rough edges etc.? Similarly who buys a bathing suit displayed on an unattractive model. It’s not necessarily fair but really, you can’t see yourself wearing the product because of the frame it was hung on, and if you can’t see yourself in it, you won’t buy it.

But some say that what is considered attractive today is not. And I say that it may not be attractive to you but it may be to most people. Are you even the demographic the advertiser is trying to reach? Most people like to look at the slender, tanned, full breasted models permeating the media, I know this because I can see the direct data. Products boasting “attractive” spokes persons sell. If a consumer driven market does not like the advertising they won't buy the product, thus the advertisers must change the outside image or lose profits.

The easiest way to see the outcome is to look at the face of advertising through US history. We've seen pleasantly plump ladies with extremely pale skin since early on a robust figure and little sun exposure was a sign of wealth and beauty. One who lived "with the beautiful people" had slaves or servants to work outside and cooks to feed them generously. We've seen the smiling slim waisted homemaker, who epitomized what was considered femininity. We've seen the bucksome pin ups and voluptuous starlets promoting anything to everything. Marilyn Monroe (the height of sexy beauty) was a size 14. We today see the slender, tanned international model, since emphasis on thinness with fitness as well as outdoor activities and globe trotting are considered desirable. They are, signs of wealth and happiness (however true you believe that to be). As the country’s tastes in beauty shift so do the models who help advertise. I just hate that everyone is so angry at the models. If there were reason for anger which I don't think there is it should be directed at the marketing machine who you believe isn't listening to your dollars (which just wouldn't happen).

People say “well most women don't look like that so it doesn't represent everyone”. It's not supposed to. The modeling industry's purpose is not to accurately display the current shapes of the American body. It's to sell the current American body a product, clothes, shoes, makeup, houses, etc. I do not complain that the NBA is wrong for not having players who are bad at basketball. I am poor at basketball and so is most of America but you would never say to the sports industry that they do not accurately display US sports abilities. They are not there for that, They are there to sell game tickets no one buys a ticket for a team who can't play.

Besides it being the consumer/industry not necessarily the models idea of beauty, and modeling not being a US mirror but a sales component, the women who model work very hard at it, and deserve respect for that. It's different when your work/profession has nothing to do with your personal body. A surgeon can go home relax and do whatever they want, eat whatever they want, a model goes home and has to workout, every time they eat breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks they know their career and livelihood is what they are putting in their mouths. Like trainers, no one says "for shame" to personal trainers for being what's considered by most Americans to be "fit". People admire the work and dedication it takes.

My last point is this, if seeing images of women who are different than most causes serious self crisis there is something fundamentally wrong in the viewer. If you are a complete, fully actualized person, knowing that your face and body may not be what sells clothes and creams in the current US market should not be a self destructive voice. Those who love who and what they are, don't look at a picture of a woman considered beautiful and doubt their own beauty. Women come in all shapes, colors, sizes, etc. Seeing the media coverage of one body type does not negate the others. If that were so, I as a 6' tall, natural hair textured, black woman I would just be devastated. Where are the women who look like me? I know my image wouldn't sell products to general America, I'm not white or slender nosed, I don't have European hair, or a small shoe size, but I know my beauty and no picture changes that. Especially one I know is trying to sell me something :) Basically ads shouldn't be changing your world-view or self-image and if they do, you should work on you and perhaps only look at Sears, or J.C. Penney, etc. catalogs. They usually have advertising that reflects who really shops there, and the general American public.