The Future Is Always Uncertain

I am lost. I am a queen without her king, a “tih” woman without her “hoh” (I have been for a long time actually, if I’m honest). I want to be everything I can for my partner, if he likes certain foods I learn to cook them, if he likes belly dancing I learn to dance, if he likes certain play I will accommodate. For a worthy man I would be everything he needed in a mate (of course he’d do the same). But finding that worthy man seems quite impossible. There’s a plethora of boys who at every chance speak on their “merits” but no men who know no words are necessary. No alpha male for me to love. I’ve said in previous blogs I thought the alpha male was extinct and I find myself almost completely convinced. At least before I had the excuse of being in a relationship.

Perhaps all the alphas were on the singles/dating scene where I’d never run across them, but no. They’re not in the mall, in the office, in the club, in the church, in the school, etc.

I think I am hoping for the unreal, or the kind of relationship I'm looking for is no longer in existence. I'm a woman living, doing, acting just for me. I have no problem with that for now, but my fear is: when does the situation change? It is not a life I would choose for any substantial amount of time. I am a giver. That is my nature. But I just can’t lower myself to kneel (metaphorically) to undeserving men. I don’t want to come across as conceited. You may think “who are you that your submission is so great”. But it is the most important thing I have to give, because it is all of me, my time, my energy, my thought, my heart, my body, everything, and yes I consider myself important (to me at least).

You do not give a priceless glass figure to a baby. They are unworthy of it in that they will not appreciate it’s beauty and fragility, and in their ignorance will most certainly destroy it. Not because they were a bad baby, but because they were not equipped to handle the gift given. In that same way men not matured enough to handle the gift/responsibilities of my submission, do not get to play with it. The idea may be shiny and exciting, something they want to touch and shake but I don’t wish to shatter as a child’s plaything. There are few men who care for such a gift. Most would rather pass on it, and of those who claim to want it few know how to receive, handle, and sustain it. And of those I come into contact with zero.

I sometimes think if I were a jet setter, traveling here and there all over the world I’d surely find that man. Or perhaps there’s some secret society of alpha males just outside of my site. But I know I should prepare for the fact that I may never find the right guy. There is no guarantee that I’ll find a mate. It’s not written in stone anywhere that “Cat is destined to find a good man to share a tih relationship with”. I could just remain “Cat by herself who is happy living alone”, or “Cat who is in a great relationship of equality with a good man”, or “Cat who became a lesbian and is happy with her new sexual identity”. I don’t know, I’m young and this may all be moot tomorrow. Until something gives I’ll just be Cat queen unto herself, kings be damned.

Starting A New Chapter: Dating

I recently discovered (in July) my fiancé had been cheating on me. This was extremely hurtful since we had been together for almost four years, he proposed, he was my first (and only), and of course I love him. I was angry with him for betraying me given our past histories (long and sordid), and the fact that he chose to involve himself with a lesser woman. I know that must sound like bitterness on my part, but it's really just observation. A woman who at her best has her children removed from her care by the state is no woman to me. I realize that is just my opinion but it is strong. Motherhood is one of the greatest gifts a woman has and to neglect or abuse her own flesh is as distasteful a thing as one can do. In my opinion.

But all that aside, after learning all this, I forgave him. Understanding that forgiveness is not reconciliation, or acceptance, or pardoning. I forgave him because forgiveness is something you do for yourself. I didn't like feeling angry and vengeful, that's not me. I chose to love freely despite what another may do to me. Mind you loving someone is a one person task. I can love you unto my death whether you care or not, but a loving relationship takes two. So I told him I forgave him, there's no ill will, he made a mistake like we all do. I will always love who he is, but what he did was unacceptable and we needed to go our separate ways.

Of course he was unhappy and I’m sorry he created a situation that brought about the end of our relationship, but there is nothing I can do about that. The past is the past. I did learn some very valuable lessons from the whole ordeal thought, that I am grateful for. I’m glad I have been able to move on so reasonably. I know some who do not take things of this nature quite so well.
September 28 2006

On My Way To Cinnabon, Can't Stop Now

I need to speak to some of the men today about their courtship techniques. Earlier this week I had a discouraging experience. While shopping at a mall I heard a "hey" from across the corridor. I turned and saw a group of young men one of whom was the one who called out. Taking note of him I turned back around to continue walking and heard another "hey, come here" I stopped once again to look at the guy with a puzzled stare and then kept walking. Of course (almost out of earshot) I hear his thoughts about my reaction, which were not very pleasant. I thought about this interaction as I've had many similar to this one, and asked some of my friends who had also had similar encounters, and I came up with this list of thing guys do wrong in approaching women.

First of all who do you think you are to flag a woman down? We are not cabs or dogs to be called upon when you desire our presence. If you wish to interact with a woman walk over and start a conversation like a regular person in civil society. It's just rude. You wish to speak to me, so why should I stop at your shout, turn and walk over to you and say "yes you called". This behavior means you must believe you are offering me something I should be willing to work for. You must be such a catch that all you need do is shout in my direction and I should feel honored enough to stop what I'm doing and pursue your call.

Second when starting a conversation with a young lady especially one you wish to "court" or pursue, do not start the conversation with "hey, come here" or "ay shorty what yo name is" or "hey baby let me holla at you for a second" or "yo cutie" etc. Try introducing yourself. Perhaps a hello would be nice. Why is it ok for you to address me so informally? No not informally, with such disrespect? We are not lovers, friends, or even acquaintances and yet you feel free to address me as easily as you would a prostitute. So from these actions it would seem you believe you're so enticing so formidable that I should not only be willing to pursue you on your terms but I should be willing to ignore or be flattered by your disrespectful tone.

Third if you are trying to gain the company of a young woman put your best foot forward. You are trying to attract her. What do you have to offer: a smile, a charming word, a sincere interest, etc. Slouching against a wall, grabbing at your crotch, while shouting for her attention in a group of guys is not the most impressive sight. No one's asking to see your credentials (they matter little in the realm of attraction) but answering the "why should I even stop to listen to this man" question running through her mind is a good idea. You must believe I should pursue you on your own terms, be flattered by your disrespect, and be impressed by your total lack of appealing qualities because you are so great and potent a man.

Fourth if a woman does not respond well to your "advances" do not get rude or aggressive. Sometimes women do not respond because they are not attracted, sometimes because they're rude, but sometimes it's because you started the encounter on a negative tone. Your last redeeming quality of handling her indifference like a gentleman you throw out the window. When I keep moving despite your “effort” it’s because I'm uppity, or a b****, not because you’ve been offensive by acting like a total cad.

Were I to hang out in a group of women at the mall rub my butt and shout from across the way "hey you, hot stuff come here to me I wanna talk to you for a minute" you would keep moving. And if I were to then say to my trolling companions "what a f***ing dick" you'd be baffled. And yet everyday I see and hear guys do that very same thing.