I am lost. I am a queen without her king, a “tih” woman without her “hoh” (I have been for a long time actually, if I’m honest). I want to be everything I can for my partner, if he likes certain foods I learn to cook them, if he likes belly dancing I learn to dance, if he likes certain play I will accommodate. For a worthy man I would be everything he needed in a mate (of course he’d do the same). But finding that worthy man seems quite impossible. There’s a plethora of boys who at every chance speak on their “merits” but no men who know no words are necessary. No alpha male for me to love. I’ve said in previous blogs I thought the alpha male was extinct and I find myself almost completely convinced. At least before I had the excuse of being in a relationship.
Perhaps all the alphas were on the singles/dating scene where I’d never run across them, but no. They’re not in the mall, in the office, in the club, in the church, in the school, etc.
I think I am hoping for the unreal, or the kind of relationship I'm looking for is no longer in existence. I'm a woman living, doing, acting just for me. I have no problem with that for now, but my fear is: when does the situation change? It is not a life I would choose for any substantial amount of time. I am a giver. That is my nature. But I just can’t lower myself to kneel (metaphorically) to undeserving men. I don’t want to come across as conceited. You may think “who are you that your submission is so great”. But it is the most important thing I have to give, because it is all of me, my time, my energy, my thought, my heart, my body, everything, and yes I consider myself important (to me at least).
You do not give a priceless glass figure to a baby. They are unworthy of it in that they will not appreciate it’s beauty and fragility, and in their ignorance will most certainly destroy it. Not because they were a bad baby, but because they were not equipped to handle the gift given. In that same way men not matured enough to handle the gift/responsibilities of my submission, do not get to play with it. The idea may be shiny and exciting, something they want to touch and shake but I don’t wish to shatter as a child’s plaything. There are few men who care for such a gift. Most would rather pass on it, and of those who claim to want it few know how to receive, handle, and sustain it. And of those I come into contact with zero.
I sometimes think if I were a jet setter, traveling here and there all over the world I’d surely find that man. Or perhaps there’s some secret society of alpha males just outside of my site. But I know I should prepare for the fact that I may never find the right guy. There is no guarantee that I’ll find a mate. It’s not written in stone anywhere that “Cat is destined to find a good man to share a tih relationship with”. I could just remain “Cat by herself who is happy living alone”, or “Cat who is in a great relationship of equality with a good man”, or “Cat who became a lesbian and is happy with her new sexual identity”. I don’t know, I’m young and this may all be moot tomorrow. Until something gives I’ll just be Cat queen unto herself, kings be damned.
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